Why We Find It Hard To Break Up in a Dead-End Relationship and How to Overcome It
by Victor Lai. |
“I’m in love!”
“Love is in the air!”
“Oh, I feel so loved!”
“He/she made me feel so loved!”
The list above are some of the things we have all said when we were young and naive… or maybe even now. They’re even more commonly mentioned during the early stages of a relationship—you know, when you first get together, hold hands for the first time and maybe even share a first kiss. Then you’ll throw the following statements into the mix:
“I’ll never find anyone like him/her.”
“He/she made me feel loved like never before.”
“I’ll never get tired of seeing him/her.”
At least until love stops operating on feelings only. While it is natural for couples to experience a sweet, special kind of love when they first start dating each other, it’s also natural for couples to be human and end up hurting each other, be it intentionally or unintentionally. Which is why it is extremely dangerous to love based on just our emotions because love requires both emotions and intellect. “I love you” will always be easy to say when everything’s right, but tough when things are going south.
Tension may end up building over time, leading you to a point where you see the relationship as a dead-end, where it seems like the both of you are just waiting for the other to call it quits. For you, it’s tough to make the call and that’s probably because:
1. You’ve invested in this relationship: Including your time, emotions and even finances.
2. You’re still trying to believe that things will change for the better: Maybe he/she will change.
3. You feel a war raging internally: Between the good old days and the current fiery reality.
4. You’re afraid of the consequences upon breaking up: Perhaps it requires you to move out from your co-sharing place, or even the fear of never finding someone to love ever again.
If you’re feeling the above, congratulations, you’re human!
You’re afraid to make that call because you’ve invested, believed, struggled and feared… perhaps you’re still investing, believing, struggling and fearing. However, while that may be true, the list above is very much emotionally driven.
Let’s try to view the list through a different side of love—with logical thinking, especially when you’re at a dead-end of your relationship and that breakup is only a matter of time.
1. You’ve invested in this relationship: And if you are not enjoying the fruits, or worse, if your time, emotions and finances are being abused, by delaying this breakup you’ll have to continue investing in it, and the vicious cycle continues.
2. You’re still trying to believe that things will change for the better: While it is nice to believe in people and to not give up, but like our life on Earth or the food we consume, there’s such a thing as an Expiry Date, a cut-off point. When you constantly invest and believe in your significant other, and yet things don’t seem to change, has it ever occurred to you that your partner doesn’t see it as an issue and has no intention of changing? Friend, self-awareness leads to self-management. Until your partner acknowledges that they have an issue, no amount of encouragements and beliefs on your end will ever change it.
3. You feel a war raging internally: Unfortunately, the sweet times have happened. Past tense. While they may have been sweet, the reality is… those are all memories, something you revisit in your head, on your social media posts and that’s it. The scary reality is, while you’re caught up in the past, you’re potentially robbing yourself of a sweet present AND future. Milestones and achievements are made when one decides to learn from past mistakes and work on them presently for a bright future. Snap out of the past, live presently for the future.
4. You’re afraid of the consequences upon breaking up: Chances are you’re afraid of things that may or may not happen. Like the latest Virtual Reality (VR) games, your fears may seem real, even feel real, but take off the headset and you’re back to reality. A ride on a VR Roller Coaster may be a close representation of the entire experience, but it isn’t 100% accurate either. So stop fearing! Gotta move out of your sharing space? So be it, find a place, take on two jobs if you need to in order to fund your own living space. Never finding love again? You’ll certainly never will until you walk out of this toxic relationship. The key is to stop letting what you THINK will happen to stop you because, for all we know, your future isn’t that bleak.
5. YOU need to love YOURSELF: It’s easy to maintain the status quo and let this toxic relationship continue because change is scary. But that doesn’t mean it’s okay. You need to come to a state where you can say “I love myself” and mean those words because when you do, you will not accept any sub-standard treatment. I don’t mean that your SO should have cash, credit cards and condominiums, but they should have a different set of Cs; Compliments you, Cares for you, Carries your burdens and Comforts you. When you love yourself and see that you can’t even bother fulfilling any of the Cs above, it’s time to re-evaluate this relationship and see if it’s worth sticking around.
YOU are made to be loved. It’s time to love yourself and prepare yourself to be loved like how you should be loved. Stop focusing on the past, re-evaluate your present and make decisions that your future self will thank you for. Sure, the past is sweet, but don’t let it rob you of your tomorrow, please!
You may find out more about Victor on his Instagram too.